The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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