You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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