Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
