Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
