woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
