So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
