if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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