Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
