Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
