this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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