I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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