you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
