he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
