thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
