my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
