im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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