My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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