I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Randomize
