An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
