ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
