My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
