Apparently you make a good broom.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
