just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
