I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
