So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
