Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
