how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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