my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
