i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Shame is for Republicans.
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