Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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