is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
