and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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