I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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