After last night, I could never be a politician.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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