I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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