a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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