I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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