I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
