You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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