i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
