I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
