she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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