Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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