So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
