I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
