your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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