I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i dont even know how to be here
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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