I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
