HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
