My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
